BAGGAGE

(this is a boring one, you don't have to read it, this one is for me)

SOME TIME AGO I WROTE A POEM OF WHICH I WAS QUITE PROUD, IT WAS ONE OF MY FIRST AND THE JIST OF IT STILL LINGERS WITH ME, (I CANT FIND WHERE I WROTE IT)

THE MAIN THEME WAS THAT WE ALL CARRY SOME SORT OF BAGGAGE IN LIFE, IT IS BOUND TO BE THERE AND IT IS TAKEN CARE OF OR LOOKS LIKE

LINUS HIS DUST AND BLANKET, OR WAS THAT PIG PEN?

I, HAVE DECIDED TO KEEP MY BAGGAGE TO A MINIMUM AND TO KEEP IT TIDY AND NEAT, THAT HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN EASY NOR IS IT DONE. CONTINUAL TRYING IS IMPORTANT, THERE COMES A TIME THAT EACH OF US REALIZE WE HAVE A BAG THAT GOT BURIED IN THE BUNCH, A BAG WE DON'T NEED NOR WANT BUT JUST THE SAME THERE IT IS, AND IT JUMPS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB. THIS PREDICAMENT CAME GLARING TO ME ONE NIGHT, AND BROUGHT THE BAGGAGE OUT AND THE TRAIL OF DIRTY LAUNDRY STRINGING OUT OF IT LIKE A BAG THAT TSA WENT THROUGH!

I REALIZE THAT THIS SITUATION MUST BE DEALT WITH TO CLEAN UP MY LAUNDRY, MY BAGGAGE AND MOVE ON WITH PRIDE. NOW MIND YOU MY BAGGAGE IS NOT GUCCI, NOR IS IT ANY OF THE FANCY STUFF YOU GET AT HIGH DOLLAR SPORTS SHOPS OR DEPARTMENT STORES, I IMAGINE IN THIS PARALLEL WORLD MY BAGGAGE TO BE AMERICAN TOURISTOR, IF NOT A GOOD TAKE OFF SOLD AT WAL-MART.

TO DEAL WITH POOR LUGGAGE THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO HANDLE THIS, DO NOT RECYCLE, DO NOT THRIFT STORE THIS IT MUST BE EXPOSED DELOUSED AND BURNED, IN OTHER WORDS, FIGURE IT OUT, DECIPHER AND CORRECT AND THEN MOVE ON WITH LIFE. THIS PROCESS CAN TAKE ANYWHERE FROM A SECOND TO ETERNITY TO ACCOMPLISH. AND IT IS ONLY DELAYED BY DISCOURAGEMENT.

***************MY DEMONS****************

THIS PARTICULAR BAGGAGE HAD A DEMON IN IT, i HAD TO GO RIGHT TO THE HEART, BUT FIRST ANY ENEMY MUST BE UNDERSTOOD, SEE TO CONQUER IS MORE THAN JUST TO KILL, YOU HAVE TO STUDY, UNDERSTAND, AND THEN STRATEGICALLY PLAN HOW TO CONTROL, AND IF NECESSARY KILL THAT DEMON, THIS WAS DONE!

-I UNDERSTAND THIS DEMON, NOT WHY HE BECAME BUT WHAT DRIVES HIM

-I ACCEPT HE IS THERE, BUT I DIDN'T ASK FOR HIM

- I KNOW THE REACTIONS THAT I HAVE HAD TO HIM

-I KNOW THE FALLOUT FROM THE FEAR OF HIM WITH MY WORLD

-THIS DEMON HAS CAUSE ENOUGH FEAR AND CONTROL IN MY LIFE WITHOUT ME KNOWING IT THAT HE MUST BE SLAIN, IT IS TIME

(THIS IS THE PART THAT TAKES TIME, BUT IT IS WORTH THE FREEDOM WHEN DONE)

see this demon is one that leaves me with little recourse because of the nature of it, sometimes we have no recourse to fix the damage he did to our village, and so we have to rid him from the land and move on with love and passion of life never let him dictate our moves, nor place fear in us, fear is warranted when he is there but when he is not we can rid ourselves of that fear.

A SUMMER TO REMEMBER

again i have found myself not taking the time to write a bit of my thoughts and my adventures. i have had a summer of letting a bit of myself be spontaneous and adventurous, i have let myself listen to my heart, and my random and compulsive thoughts and actions.

though summer still is holding on and every degree of the 100 degree weather i am more than thankful for i thought it would be good to share some of my summer. the home whispering pines had done as my home but then we sold as a spec was finished and closed after grueling and countless hours of finish time, it turned out very much as my dream had shared with me it should, it was a warm, and inviting home that i just loved. we entered into negotiations for another home with a potential buyer and those negotiations continue but we have designed another home with suggestions form the homeowner and call that one the "north forest cabin". (i am so good at coming up with these cool names , hahahah)

a blessing has come to me in the form of a repreve, i will not be going to iraq with the battalion this winter, (which i was looking forward to the warmer temps in the winter) but i am able to stay home and not be eligable for recal until 2009, this is good i need to make sure that i am financially stable before going again.

i have hiked this summer,places like logan canyon, the applachians, the cumberland trail, cool places that i wanted to see, i have met cool and interesting people, rafted the snake river, fished and so far caught nothing, taught caneoing merit badge at scout camp (that was fun), learned to indain wistle with my hands, and if i wasnt as mighty as i am i would have jumped form a plane, but i will travelk to a lower altitude where us mighty men can be carried by a parachute.

i lost some luggage (baggage) that was slowing me down (TYG) and have spent many hours reducing the clutter of life. see it is when i listen to the inside of me that the outside of me shows it. the quieter i am the more i hear, the more i understand, and the more i want to be part of life with others.

all of this is again topped by the coolness of being a grandpa, life will forever be a blessing each day and each year no matter the outcome, i have been given till the day i die to get this right, and then some. see there was a time i wanted to catch the biggest fish, climb the highest mountain and see the coolest things, everytime i do things with my kids and family i feel like i have conquered those things.

thank you god (TYG)

miracle worker

so once in a while I find myself in a position of great humility, and one that will leave me speechless, today is such a day, I am here in Boise and going to participate in the blessing of my first grand daughter, but it is something that takes your breath away and your thoughts when you look at your grandchild and see your child in her, thinking about that deeply, I have little to say, nor can I feel that I am indeed blessed for being a part of all this family thing in some small way some years ago.

John Deere tractor repair man

so a couple days ago on the home construction I had the luck I always do and got my new little excavator stuck, dang it!!!!!!!

I seem to have a tendency to find the muddiest bog holes and see if I can get in and out of them, I don't ever remember getting out easy, so while doing this I turned it sharply and made the rubber track fall off-------------oooooooopppppsssssss, now I feel like I am pretty handy, and can fix most anything after all some of the mechanics I have met are ,,,,, ok at this point I will say smarter than me. I spent 2 hours the first day working on this, my guys spent 3 hours the next day, which is a total of 9 man hours, then today I spent 4 more hours with the help of 4 guys for another hour. so all together that is a grand total of da da da da da dum 19 manhours, which at today's rate is about a whoppin total of 600 dollars, hmmmm maybe I should have called the service company I was so desperately trying to save money by not doing.

HERE IS THE TRUTH OF FIXING A TRACK

this morning I back off a bolt and grease comes squirting out, oh no that cant be right, so I take out a set screw and start tying to move a tension spring, that is not right, but to take the set screw out I had to drill it out, (didn't drill it straight and ruined it)

Then I took off a roller which must be casing the tension, that didn't help a bit, opened the rear drive box, no luck, said many words under my breath of a different language, and thought of giving up and burying the excavator.

ok so I bought a few parts too, here is the tally

bought a wide mouth crescent wrench, needed a 1 1/2 inch wrench, (never worked)

31.99

bought a screw extractor kit for the set screw, which just ruined it

15.99

bought 2 easy out screw removers, (neither fit)

10.50

had to buy a tap to fix the set screw, and a drill bit for it

25.95

and all of this during 3 trips to town, 20 miles each time so mileage at least of

24.00

that totals to a whoppin 108.43

and none of that worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I finally got a call back from John Deere and they were reading to me how to loosen the track, he said "allowing the grease to bleed from the bolt will relieve the pressure and pumping it up with grease will tighten it" "shall I fax this to you?" why of course, the entire time I was on the right track when I loosened the bolt and grease was coming out, hmmm, from the phone call to the time the track was on was less that 2 minutes, I bought new grease 4.79 greased it and had it running in another few minutes. A TOTAL OF 15 MINUTES WOULD HAVE DONE THE WHOLE JOB AND ONLY GREASE TO PAY FOR! SO MY COST

$708.43, AND A LESSON AGAIN IN READ THE MANUAL FIRST, GOOD NEWS IS AT THE END OF THE DAY TODAY i KNOCKED THE OTHER TRACK OFF AND IN THE MORNING i AM GOING TO PUT IT BACK ON IN 15 MINUTES, i HOPE.

procastinationator, psuedo-busy, poor time manager

Here it is nearly spring, my life has been a constant barage of note worthy yet forgetful and to learn from events this winter. I would have to break things up into a couple of catgories, the good, the bad and of course the ugly

first I want to start with the good

- one good thing that has happened is I have become a grandfather, and to my delight. of course I did nothing more than to produce good children which in turn are doing the same, but to experience that feeling again, the one while waiting (though this time outside the room) and to hear the first cry, life a new person, a spirit, a personality and if only least of her attributes my grand daughter, I felt blessed again, once again it was needful of the world to cease to revolve around any other families, for the focus to come only unto mine and my own, selfish and arrogant as that sounds, it is indeed a reality I had no other worried, no thoughts of business, no concerns of timelines, just the sweet blessed satisfaction and humility of exeriencing a miracle of birth (of course this blog issue will have continual updates)
- next the home project I had put my efforts on for mo0st of the summer had finally come to blossom, and has gone from a miserable winter project to a miserable muddy spring project with the home resting comfortably under contract for sale and a number of interested parties speaking of similar construction in the future.
-as always the kids lie in here, each of them making accomplishments as thier life grows and ages, an eagle scout project is completed, a piano recital where my daughter has gone from the new kid who could barely play to the oldest and most talented at the recital, the older ones making adult decisions and facing adult consequences in proper manners, and the youngest setting new world records in fish catching and fish story telling.
-one other good thing I have had good help this winter as I have struggled, well I must say that to have help is good, of course having some of the stalworths are what keeps us alive and thankful, the others, I will continue to sift for the good.


The Bad:

I decided when trying to tell the bad that a balance should happen here, good bad and ugly, so here goes to creating balance.

-remember those great employees, well I feel like I have become a helping center for those needing a stopover point in magical changes in thier lives. One such employee decided to try his hand at equipment operation and as a lead in for that had protrayed himself as a good operator, during busy times I of course let all men do thier job and do not micro manage them, after a couple times noticing the equipment operating in fashions I am not familiar with such as from its side, and smashed into a tree, I questioned my employee and asked if he had something against me, knowing that eventually the piper would have to be paid I am now in negotiations to purchase some damaged equipment rather than incur a dead end expense of rent and repair. Well to go on would be complaining, and I dont want that label.
-when we have not mastered our habits we lie somewhere in between, and some habits of others can be harmful, as was the case with my two anxious and industrious helpers this winter. I wonder if they had placed all of thier energies into work where would they be today. I became suspicious when I bought some garage sale tools they brought to work for indeed garage sale prices which then made me question proior purchase from them for more expensive items. Indeed these two had life and the world by the tail, new snow machines they rented, new 4 wheelers thier cousing lent them and enough money to go around. I left town to go to puchase items for the project and notices my business debit card misssing, looking into the matter I found that my card was good to be used for fast food also, 130 bucks worth, I went to the most recent place of use and they did identify my employees as the thiefs, they had betrayed me. I fired them, I let them go, with remorse, they were good employees. the best helpers I had had in a while, but seemed tired all the time. A couple days later they were arrested and connected to nearly all of the unsolved buglaries in the valley, how do I find these high quality employees.
i find myself here thinking of all the bad things, I have to keep a balance, just somewhat equitable. my thoughts think of a long list, but I will keep it to one more in the "bad".

I found myself requiring surgery, nothing bad, shouldnt hurt too much, but when do I have time, I could add to the good list that the Veterans Admin, has paid for all of this, and the doc informed me of the new recovery of a week. wow, that works, my carpenter needs a week off, I need a week to clear my mind and get fixed and we have some labor items that can be done. DID NOT HAPPEN , the surgery did not end up laproscopic for whatever reason, (still dont have great answers on that one) so I am cut open, hurt like crazy and cannot maintain oxygen in my system, hmmm, so for the first time I spent life in a hospital overnite, and cant remember anything but I had milkshakes with every meal.

ok as i said i could go on and on but balance



THE UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ugly, though about this all afternnon while composing this, here is the truth about the ugly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, the ugly is that during this winter I spent time dwelling on the bad to limit me from some oppurtunities to experience more good, my good list can go on and on, too often we overlook the good and dwell on that bad. I have indeed had a long list of ugly and bad the past year, but lets just focus, my health is good, my kids are good, I have a healthy grandbaby, I have been able to live my dream of building a home I have wanted to do, has not been a perfect dream but some things came out even better. The ugly in us sometimes does not see all the good, and let me say that for all the bad if I only had one of the good, it still would be a good life. well again ramblings and hope to do more soon.

"LUMBER JACKS AND CHRISTMAS TREE HUNTER"

IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR AGAIN WHEN WE TRADITIONALLY GO, TRACK, PURSUE AND SNEAK UP ON THE EVER ELUSIVE CHRISTMAS TREE.

IT IS A TRADITION TO FIND A FRESH AND WONDERFUL TREE, AS WE APPRECIATE THE SACRAFICES AND WONDER EACH TREE GIVES IN ITS LIFE, WE APPRECIATE THE CHUCK (CHARLIE FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW HIM LIKE I DO) BROWN TREES, ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOkS IS "THE LITTLE CHRISTAMAS TREE".

I HAVE DONE THIS TRADITION SINCE I WAS A YOUNG MAN AND HAVE HAD GREAT AND POOR SUCCESS, ALWAYS BAGGING MY TREE, COMING HOME WITH A PRIZE.

IN THE PAST I HAVE SPENT HOURS LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL TREE, I HAVE COMPARED COUNTLESS TREES FOR THAT ONE THAT WILL FILL THE PLACE IN MY HEART THAT TREES GO AND WARM ME. THIS YEAR, WE WERE PRESSED FOR TIME, HAVING ARRIVED HOME AT 3 IN THE AFTERNOON ON SATURDAY IT LEFT US WITH LITTLE LIGHT AND TIME, WE LOADED THE 4 WHEELERS QUICKLY AND PROCEEDED TO THE GAS STATION(OF COURSE WHEN I AM IN A HURRY THEY ARE OUT OF GAS).

IT IS ABOUT DUSK WHEN WE ARRIVE IN THE FOREST, EXCITED AND FILLED WITH THE ANTICIPATION OF THE HUNT WE PARK THE TRUCK, UNLOAD AND HEAD INTO THE WILD WILDERNESS, BRAVING THE DANGERS OF THE UNTAMED MOUNTAINS.

PROCEEDING ALONG THE ROAD, WE TAKE TOTHE WOODS ON ROADS AND TRAILS THAT HAD NOT BEEN TRAVELED, YOU KNOW THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND KNOWING THAT A PRIZE LIE AHEAD.

LOOKING QUICKLY AT A FEW AS I PASSED I COULD NOT IGNORE THE LIGHTS SHINING ON A TREE FROM THE HEAVENS, THE CLOUDS PARTED, ANGLES WERE CAUGHT UP IN ANGELIC WHIMSICAL TUNES AND THE HARPS WERE PLAYING A HYPNOTIC TUNE AS I GAZED UPON PERFECTION................................MY TREE.

MY EXCITEMENT TOOK OVER, ONLY 15 MINUTES INTO THE HUNT AND I HAD BEEN BLESSED, I APPROACHED THE TREE WITH CAUTION, MAKING SURE THAT I WAS READY TO DEFEND AND PURSUE THE CAPTURE WITH THE NEW RANCHER 550 HUSQUAVARNA 20" CHAIN SAW.

AS BRYCE AND I APPROACHED MAKAYLA, MALLARI AND ZACH LOOKED ON (mal and zach had come along as expert guides, they had bagged a quite impressive one earlier) WITH SPARKLES IN THIER EYES, THEY COULD FEEL THE WARMTH THAT THIS TREE WILL BRING TO OUR HUMBLE CONDO THIS SEASON.

QUICKLY WITH THE SPEED OF A ZEPHYR I PULLED THE STARTING CORD OF THE SAW, AND NOTHING, PULLED IT AGAIN, NOTHING, THEN PULLED ONE MORE THE SAW LEAPED INTO ACTION WITH A MIND OF ITS OWN, HOVERING ABOVE ME AS IF TO SAY "I WILL SAVE YOU " THE SAW WITH EASE CUT THROUGH THE 3 INCH TRUNK OF THE TREE, WE HAD BAGGED OUR TREE.

AFTER DRAGGING OUR TREE TO THE 4 WHEELERS, AND TIRING OURSELVES OUT FROM THAT 10 FOOT WALK WE TIED THE TREE BEHIND AND PROCEEDED TO EXIT THE UNTAMED AND DANGER OF "THE WOODS OF GROVER PARK"

AS YOU CAN TELL FROM THE PHOTOS, I AM VERY PROUD

"respondant----defendant---accused----loser"

the court system in small town,( ride in on a pony judge) has become a mockery of what the definition of justice is.

obvious as i make it i lost my last go around with the judge, not too proud of my actions in court either, I need to find that fear again that renders me respectful and beholding to the postition of "your honor"

spending a time in my life attending court and being part of the system i have had the chance to see proper procedures, and protocol for a court room, i have seen justice, BUT THIS TIME,

i witnessed lies, perjury, ingnorance, and anger, mine, hers, and the judges, so the question is what can be done to ensure fairness and equity.

i dont have the answers, but i am reminded of the instruction to turn the other cheek, i know that i cannot be totally innocent of everything, heck i was in there, but i do know that the real test will be how to handle, and respond, with dignity or with anger. i must say that i have found a mix of dignity and anger, and they do not do well together, but i will find the way to resolve and put to rest all of this with the dignity it deserves, strike that, with the dignity i need to possess.

i do get to smile about all of my legal woes, and i do feel good about my actions, however i need to have a lawyer speaking for me, i say too much with the passion i feel in court and we all know that there is no place for personal passion in court.

i share this blog so it reminds me that not all in my life is roses, or funny or at all going my way, but that i appreciate it when it does.

"4wheelin, mud boggin kind of dude"

oh the joy and passion of the hunt, the last weekend of the hunt was this weekend, the kids got in from utah late we made the plan and got up early, fresh snow with a misty rain greeted us, oh the excitement, we will find their track and get em, yahoo.

we set out on our journey arriving on time to watch for elk as they go into the woods, and nothing, but I knew that it was a matter of time, we needed to get to the spots no one else has gone. as we moved into a canyon on a road that had not been traveled, we came to a spring, it looked tough but others had been through before,I could tell because they had put logs and rocks in it to dig their vehicle out and make it stable to drive (1st clue), we decided at the last,,,,,,,,,,,,oops not the last moment not to go into it, my wheels had gone over the edge too far and I could not back up, so we decided to go down the canyon, though the road looked like only a 4 wheeler trail (2nd clue) so I hit the spring hard with all that the 24 valve turbo boosted dodge mega diesel mean and hot 4 wheelin machine could do, and we went right through it was pretty frozen, hmmmmm so we meandered our way down the canyon, again coming to another spring to cross, this time as wise as I had become I decided not to, though my daughter suggested we cross where it looked like others had crossed, I worried that we would not be able to come back across.

we turned in defeat and retreated to go the way we had come, we got back to the first spring, and it was suggested that a prayer be said, my youngest said the prayer asking that we get through the spring. so instead of going through where I had gone through earlier, I chose a new path where all of the logs were that had been used before, again a red flag should have popped up, it had become warmer, snow was melting and we were ready to hit it, so after the prayer I went to it, gritted my teeth and hit the spring, front tires in, front tires out, and bam,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, there we sat, front bumper air dam was on the ground, we had sunk the rear to the axle and put the frame of the truck on the bank. it was 9 am.

we got jacks and rocks and worked it and worked it, I chose a new language to speak several times, and the kids gave me the "this is quality time" and "I come 200 miles to get yelled at" look, well it worked, I finally had to laugh, we were going no where, we were stuck in fact to put it blunt

**we were in the middle of no where, on a road that no one should be traveling on in a quad cab long base truck with poor factory tires, trying to help pull the truck out with a 2000lb winch hooked to a 500 pound 4 wheeler and going no where**

i made the decision to go for help, I had a 4 wheeler, and enough food and things for a couple days for all of us if need be, I went several directions to the tip of the hills, no cell signal, so I knew I had to get out to a phone, I rode down the canyon the way we chose not to go, within a mile I was on a main dirt road and 4 miles the highway, ugh. I went to the little tavern motel at the idaho stateline, made some phone calls and help was on the way.

Mal and her husband showed up and one of my employees with my other work truck and chains, I knew getting in there over that 2nd spring may be tough and we may have to dig another truck out, the trucks drove right through them, we hooked a chain on my truck and shazam a mere 8 hours later we were out.

we saw no elk, we heard no elk and obviously we speak no elk, but we are mud boggin, 4 wheelin, jeepin dudes, who know a little better now, and we will wait till hunting next year to forget and do it again.

"Master and Commander"

Of the hound type, a few years ago I had a pooch that met an untimely death in my presence, and then while serving in Iraq, my hound had developed cancer and well, you know, my luck has been very poor and this is just the last 5 years of luck with the hound.

On thursday of this lovely week I got a late start and went to finish the winter wood gathering, loaded up and went 40 miles to a honey spot for good wood. I let my new hound out of the truck (she has been with us for months) and she went and layed under the trailer as we were cutting. I moved to a new area and she ran up when I started my saw, and then she bolted, the last I saw of her that night, we looked and looked, called and called, the canyon and trees echoed my voice and I worried that the echoes were dis orienting.

My heart sank, she was part of my family, you see she is the first hound that gets to sleep in each night, not in a outdoor kennel, she is the very first dog ever to ride in the front of my truck with me, and she always does never in the bed. she is my partner, my shadow and my freind. I lost her, I was up most of the night worried. How could I lose her, how could I let a pet get so close to me, and how was I going to share this with my son who loves her too. I offered more prayers, and pleadings to find her, that she would be takne care of that she if found would find her way home.

The next morning found me up early, I was the first one on the road in, but what made it worse it had snowed 4 o 5 inches during the night, it became an urgency to get there, and I boke out in a cold sweat worrying. I followed fresh track in the snow going along the road, none of them looked quite like my hound, dont ask me how I know, I got to the top of ridge where we had been cutting again tracks in the snow, not fresh, oh no.

I got out of the truck, the warmth I had driving up, and started calling, and calling, nothing, no baying no barking nothing. then I looked through th trees, and there she stood looking cautiously at me, when she recognized me, she sprinted to me, she leaped into my arms, she is not small, and hugged up against me, I put her inthe truck and she still climbed onto the center console and hugged up to me whining and making noises the whole time, this lasted for 10 minutes or so. After she had expressed her undying thankfulness or maybe love, she went to her spot in the truck layed down and slept all the way home, she slept all day and night, she had been there alone and scared, but she waited for me, and she and I were joined again. I am thankful for prayers that are answered.

"Impatient Man?"

Ok, I had a day this week that made me think of things we do in our life. Are there times we leave common sense when we are impatient. I think there have been times in my life, when I can absolutely say that is the case. What brought this to my attention, I drove 300 miles one way this week to pour 1 yard of concrete, a pad 10 foot long and 5 foot wide, 50 square foot. I have figured the cost of the trip I took, considering 2 men, drive time, truck time, materials and misc, it was approximately $1500.00 that is 30.00 per square foot, that would be 10 times more expensive than my normal charge. It was a need to be done, need it now and needed me to come get it done job. So this proves that (from my perspective) impatience of waiting for a couple of local guys to pour this, which in reality if I did this for someone would cost them 300, but this has driven out common sense. I measure this of course with my ruler and knowledge, I may not know all of the facts, it may be that with this not done to set the storage tank it costs this gas plant money, and therefore this price is affordable, but from my perspective this is a lack of comon sense. I have done it in life many times, Imapatience, leading to the lack of common sense. I think I am better than I used to be, but hang on this life aint over yet, and I am sure I will have more times that this theory gets proven.

POET

alas I share my poetic side

THE TRUTH IS WE GROW

Starting over is never easy
It is always easy to run
To find an angel is rare
But warms as a the sun
It comes with what seems little effort to “fall in love”
That’s why It is called falling
We can do that without effort
we serve thinking not of ourselves
We swoon, fly and sail the winds
following our inspiration
And turning to our hearts desires
We give selflessly
And we don’t notice, it is falling

A smile, a look, a touch, a caress
Become the wind beneath our wings
We soar as an eagle
We buzz like a humming bird
And have the grace of a dove

Nights become short periods given to conversation
Days long periods of dreaming
And all the while we fall
We are smiled on by the angels
Our hearts are kissed, And

The truth is we grow
Phillip Archibald

Ramblings of the middle aged confused, delirious and thought provoked!!!!!

So here goes, I have been thinking a lot lately about what I can be that makes me the best I can and then what I want from life. In so doing I have found that some things are true with me and probably a bunch of other guys in the world (you can tell this is going to be a fable) I know that the closer I come to god the better I am, and if I put to practice all the principals in my life I can become the best I can, ok so where does that lead me to dealing with relationships, a true pondering moment.

What do women want? I have put together a short list, it may be wrong, it may be right but at least one of these characteristics each woman wants. The short list is a man needs to be caring, he needs to love, be outgoing, be a good leader and priesthood holder, and he needs to stand on his own 2 feet (please understand I use these words you say tomato I say tomato, oh yea they spell the same, you may say you want to be loved like no one else, and that fits in my loving category OK)

My thoughts are where do I fit into all of this and I know I don't speak for all men but there may be some that are much the same. Caring, I really care for so many people, I care what they think, feel and what they do, it indeed affects the way I live my life, I care for my kids, their comfort, warmth, tummies filled with food, their well being, I care for my dad, his happiness, and his life, my brothers and sisters, I love them when I see them as if we have never missed a beat from the miles that separate us, I did not choose them, some of them are so different from me yet the same, and I love them and my kids and dad, and miss my mom, and love her, and I did not choose them, but I care for them 100%, so in my life with the ability I have and my knowledge, I do care and have a deep caring for those in my life.

So lets take love, I know I love my children, a given, but I didn't choose their personalities, nor did I choose that they would be a boy, girl or as goofy as me, but each one of them have 100% of the love I can give them, some days it is a great amount and some days I wish I could give more, but I try to give 100% of what I have to give, in a relationship I know that even in hard times I loved 100% of what I had to give, many things of course affect our ability to give the pure love we all covet and seek, should we be able to always give that pure Christ like love Well of course, fact is we fall short some days but most of the times we still are giving 100% of what we based upon knowledge and ability.

Outgoing, well lets see, I have more hobbies than I can count, love to do new things, and have really taken to this blogging thing, well it helps me get things out, or I explode. I am trying to get things together to build my own home, I have dreams and plans that stem from this project, and I have a definite plan for the rest of my life, I think. I take the kids hunting, fishing, camping, we go to the lake, I let them pull me around on a tube and try to kill me this summer, I cut wood to keep warm so I am industriously outgoing (new form of the words) so yea I think with the capability I have I am outgoing.

Good priesthood holder, leader, hmmmmmm I wonder if this is one of those that we can even answer, I think my judgment will be the final answer, I have had my failures in this category, I have had times that I have fallen on my face, back, knees and that is when I begin to pray. I hope that when we look into ourselves we can see what our savior sees, it makes our outlook better I think. I have a deep testimony of the power of priesthood, the ability of a father and husband to lead, by example by faithfulness and so on. Each one of us are given gifts or talents, and that we have the opportunity to work on more, and magnify the ones we have. My understanding of some gospel principles is great and of some fail in comparison to others, but the one thing I am thankful for is a just and loving father, and I will be required in this life to do the best I can and to my abilities and to increase my abilities, I wont be self righteous and judge where I am with this subject, I will say that the gifts I have will show with me, because one of them is to be a loud mouth, if I can just harness that with righteousness it makes it that gift.

And the last of all is the ability to stand on your own 2 feet. Here is a subject that took thought, I make a living, but am I standing. I can even pay a little extra on some things, I can work hard and get ahead, and I can cook, clean, take care of the home, get my son ready for school, church, and teach him how to cook and clean and I even am very good at sewing. So yes I can stand on my own 2 feet.

All of that being said, I have put all of this together and I will tell you that I am not sure I can be all of this all the time, I am really sure there is no way I can be just what my future spouse would perfectly want, you see I know that none of this can be accomplished the way it should without a woman in a mans life. I know we look for Mr. Or miss right, but then get them and find we are not right. For me to care for my children it has taken years and my commitment, it came easy (yea it came pleasurable, because the rewards are eternal but we get them on earth). Can caring for a spouse be that way, I entertain that it can, I am not sure exactly how, but I can tell you that when divorce comes into my life I have felt like it was an impossible thing how do you divorce part of your family, society has made it ok. I know that my priesthood and my ability to lead is only as good as it can be when I share those responsibilities and share my priesthood with my eternal companion, that is how it was intended. I enjoy being single, alone and free to do what I want, but I enjoy the eternal progression of a wife. And I suggest that when you find someone that shares your same interests you can find common ground, become Mr and miss right for each other. Now let me tell you a secret, if I had all of this figured out I wouldn't be a middle aged single man, so this is probably misleading and is left to each for an ability to discern for themselves. I can tell you we put a pretty big dance card out there for someone to fill, it is tough, it is worth it, but tough. The fact remains that with the handicaps, the crippling events in life, the triumphs and the crashes, most men have in them based upon their knowledge and ability the desire and are most likely giving 100% of what they have to give, we can all be better but we cannot be our best without the commitment and the joining of the 2 souls together, so how can you find Mr or miss right if you cant be that outside of eternal marriage, a viscous and confusing circle. hmmmmmm I suppose I will ponder on this a bit longer

"RULE MAKER, RULE BREAKER"
Some days what a softy I am, I guess it may be that I wish I could have always been there for each movement the kids made. It is extremely important to me to provide the best stability I can, I know that not much has been stable this year, but even in tough times the "best you can" is important.

I decided to hit an area closing for deer yesterday, just taking the afternoon. Bryce in his subtle ways until almost 11pm on monday bugged me to see if he could go, of course the answer is no, school and homework is important. Bryce has accomplished some homework goals he and I had set, though not all are met progress is being done. I reviewed this in my mind as I slept(i know but i do think while i sleep) when I woke in the morning to Bryce asking me yet again if he can go, I thought I have to stick by my guns, so I said "I will pick you up at your lunch time, what time is that?"

At the end of the night, a thank you and I had a good time dad made up for some things I thought were the most important.

Today he missed the bus, he was so tired, though I can assure you it was not because we hunted hard and walked anywhere. I reminded him that he was not going to stay home because he was tired, or he will never get out of school again. I turned on the radio and cooked him pop tarts, well I burnt them and he wouldnt eat them, so I made him a ziploc of fruit loops, cant screw that up.

The radio had a run of some great oldies as all of this was going on, I was singing dancing and being stared at, and of course mocked for my "JUBIROUS" (A WORD I HAVE BORROWED AND USE) behavior. he missed the bus, I was jubirous so it didnt matter, we got in the truck me in my PJ's and bryce dressed up, I ran him to the bus exchange site and I promised him I would take care of him, singing the whole way. I told bryce I would walk him right up to the bus door, he was not happy and even demanded I stay put, when we got there I opened my door, his head dropped and he hoped no one would see him, he then said he was not getting out of the truck until I close the door. I did, I must say kids sure are picky who they hang out with.

I will save all of these nice stories and more for when he brings his first love home, yea thats it. anyway these are some good times.

"COMEDIAN",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,KIDS CALL ME A DORK BUT THEN THEY ARE NOT AS SMART AS ME YET!!!!!!!!!!!!

"DADDY-O"

THE GREATEST GIFTS I HAVE BEEN GIVEN

"ELK HUNTER"

This year has taught me many things,
- I am older
-get in shape before the season
-just because you have learned how to shoot long distances doesnt mean you have to
-before you pull the trigger is the time to assess the terrain and decide if it is worth the work
-read the regulations, the boundries are not marked, but I can assure the Game and Fish Warden knows where they are
-dont argue with the game and fish, I think they like it
-take your lumps when you mess up
-expensive and elk you have to almost kill yourself for taste the same as ones that are easy to find and load
AND THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT

"BLOGGER"

Welcome, this being the first time I have "blogged" I am excited that you have taken time to see this. This will be ultimately a free and open journal, with periodic posts and my thoughts to share. As you read these Posts you may find that I am a bit off my rocker, and that I am very passionate about things. As a father I am as proud as I can be of my children, I have been lucky enough to be a part of the 5 greatest kids in the world, they have kept my youth in me and taught me all I know about life. As I have been divorced and not had the oppurtunity of being a full time dad for 13 years, I have had a rude and definite awakening this fall as Bryce came to live with me. Being a single parent is tough, it is not being with the kids for 6 weeks in the summer tough, it is everyday make decisions, fix things, discipline, and doing HOMEWORK. I have a new found respect for My ex wife and for Bryces mother, my hat is off and I am impressed with what they have handled on thier own, and I had no idea. Being the funtime dad, every other weekend, and the summer was cool, but this is better but tough.

Please come back and visit exciting posts to come
-my thoughts on people not driving at least the speed limit
-the fighting seabees of the Navy
-what I think about snow
-and my dances with the elk this year (walking on the wrong side of the Law---oops)
-and much much more, daytime soaps dont hold a candle