Ramblings of the middle aged confused, delirious and thought provoked!!!!!

So here goes, I have been thinking a lot lately about what I can be that makes me the best I can and then what I want from life. In so doing I have found that some things are true with me and probably a bunch of other guys in the world (you can tell this is going to be a fable) I know that the closer I come to god the better I am, and if I put to practice all the principals in my life I can become the best I can, ok so where does that lead me to dealing with relationships, a true pondering moment.

What do women want? I have put together a short list, it may be wrong, it may be right but at least one of these characteristics each woman wants. The short list is a man needs to be caring, he needs to love, be outgoing, be a good leader and priesthood holder, and he needs to stand on his own 2 feet (please understand I use these words you say tomato I say tomato, oh yea they spell the same, you may say you want to be loved like no one else, and that fits in my loving category OK)

My thoughts are where do I fit into all of this and I know I don't speak for all men but there may be some that are much the same. Caring, I really care for so many people, I care what they think, feel and what they do, it indeed affects the way I live my life, I care for my kids, their comfort, warmth, tummies filled with food, their well being, I care for my dad, his happiness, and his life, my brothers and sisters, I love them when I see them as if we have never missed a beat from the miles that separate us, I did not choose them, some of them are so different from me yet the same, and I love them and my kids and dad, and miss my mom, and love her, and I did not choose them, but I care for them 100%, so in my life with the ability I have and my knowledge, I do care and have a deep caring for those in my life.

So lets take love, I know I love my children, a given, but I didn't choose their personalities, nor did I choose that they would be a boy, girl or as goofy as me, but each one of them have 100% of the love I can give them, some days it is a great amount and some days I wish I could give more, but I try to give 100% of what I have to give, in a relationship I know that even in hard times I loved 100% of what I had to give, many things of course affect our ability to give the pure love we all covet and seek, should we be able to always give that pure Christ like love Well of course, fact is we fall short some days but most of the times we still are giving 100% of what we based upon knowledge and ability.

Outgoing, well lets see, I have more hobbies than I can count, love to do new things, and have really taken to this blogging thing, well it helps me get things out, or I explode. I am trying to get things together to build my own home, I have dreams and plans that stem from this project, and I have a definite plan for the rest of my life, I think. I take the kids hunting, fishing, camping, we go to the lake, I let them pull me around on a tube and try to kill me this summer, I cut wood to keep warm so I am industriously outgoing (new form of the words) so yea I think with the capability I have I am outgoing.

Good priesthood holder, leader, hmmmmmm I wonder if this is one of those that we can even answer, I think my judgment will be the final answer, I have had my failures in this category, I have had times that I have fallen on my face, back, knees and that is when I begin to pray. I hope that when we look into ourselves we can see what our savior sees, it makes our outlook better I think. I have a deep testimony of the power of priesthood, the ability of a father and husband to lead, by example by faithfulness and so on. Each one of us are given gifts or talents, and that we have the opportunity to work on more, and magnify the ones we have. My understanding of some gospel principles is great and of some fail in comparison to others, but the one thing I am thankful for is a just and loving father, and I will be required in this life to do the best I can and to my abilities and to increase my abilities, I wont be self righteous and judge where I am with this subject, I will say that the gifts I have will show with me, because one of them is to be a loud mouth, if I can just harness that with righteousness it makes it that gift.

And the last of all is the ability to stand on your own 2 feet. Here is a subject that took thought, I make a living, but am I standing. I can even pay a little extra on some things, I can work hard and get ahead, and I can cook, clean, take care of the home, get my son ready for school, church, and teach him how to cook and clean and I even am very good at sewing. So yes I can stand on my own 2 feet.

All of that being said, I have put all of this together and I will tell you that I am not sure I can be all of this all the time, I am really sure there is no way I can be just what my future spouse would perfectly want, you see I know that none of this can be accomplished the way it should without a woman in a mans life. I know we look for Mr. Or miss right, but then get them and find we are not right. For me to care for my children it has taken years and my commitment, it came easy (yea it came pleasurable, because the rewards are eternal but we get them on earth). Can caring for a spouse be that way, I entertain that it can, I am not sure exactly how, but I can tell you that when divorce comes into my life I have felt like it was an impossible thing how do you divorce part of your family, society has made it ok. I know that my priesthood and my ability to lead is only as good as it can be when I share those responsibilities and share my priesthood with my eternal companion, that is how it was intended. I enjoy being single, alone and free to do what I want, but I enjoy the eternal progression of a wife. And I suggest that when you find someone that shares your same interests you can find common ground, become Mr and miss right for each other. Now let me tell you a secret, if I had all of this figured out I wouldn't be a middle aged single man, so this is probably misleading and is left to each for an ability to discern for themselves. I can tell you we put a pretty big dance card out there for someone to fill, it is tough, it is worth it, but tough. The fact remains that with the handicaps, the crippling events in life, the triumphs and the crashes, most men have in them based upon their knowledge and ability the desire and are most likely giving 100% of what they have to give, we can all be better but we cannot be our best without the commitment and the joining of the 2 souls together, so how can you find Mr or miss right if you cant be that outside of eternal marriage, a viscous and confusing circle. hmmmmmm I suppose I will ponder on this a bit longer